the plan is… i have no plan

budha-borobudur

“My ambition now to have no ambition’ – James Altucher.

I had two different conversations in the last few days. One is about people asked me if I want to pursue another academic degree and my career goals. Another one is about how my best friend and I more stoic we became. For the first question, I might give the most vague answer that person ever received. I said like, “Well, we’ll see… for the time being, I like to be here, and I don’t think I want to pursue another degree now. I really want to enjoy my life now… “ Ah, what a vague answer I gave, didn’t it?

However, either my best friend or I, have had our own struggle to come up with how “we’re today.”

The truth is, I have no plans with and in my life… Hahaha. It’s funny, isn’t it? I did not realise how could I end at this point. Really. I think, it’s a long process since end of 2012 where I started to questioning what’s important in life.

In my twenties, I had my targets and goals set. Well, at least, I had things I want to achieve. In my twenties, it’s clear what I really wanted. I wanted to go back to school (on scholarship) and to go (live) in Europe. By setting all of these goals, I knew the exact things I needed to do. I devoted all my energy to achieve my goals. Ah, you know me… Once I want to do something, I’m really determined, and I’m so stone head and it’s impossible to break it. :). So, I registered English courses to prepare for IELTS or TOEFL test, I studied the whole time – till I forgot that I used to be enjoyed watching movie and drama (gotcha!!!), worked my butt off, excessively worked out at the gym, etc etc. I had a busy life, didn’t I? I applied scholarship here and there. I got rejected here and there. I cried here and there – while having question, what’s wrong and what’s lacking? What should I do? Through my desperate state, I was quite sure that I would not get a scholarship to study abroad, therefore, I applied for grad school in Surabaya. Then, I suddenly, I got the scholarship. The struggle I had in grad school is another story. Yeah, I got it at last, at the age of 30!

And… Europe…. I did not know why I wanted to go there. Maybe, it’s the book I read when I was a kid. It’s “Ikut Sang Surya Keliling Dunia.” Or it might be about my fantasy. Because I wanted to go there, most of the scholarships I applied were in Europe. But, it’d been failed all the years, till I could make it this summer – travelling there, by myself.

After the two things I’ve finally made it, my life now is pretty much lighter. I don’t feel like I have a burden. I could finally slow down my life. Now, I don’t have specific or grandiose thing I want to pursue. Don’t get me wrong. By having no grandiose ambition, that I lose my passion and ability to learn something new. Oh, they are still there. Don’t worry. I’m just the same persons with lots of new things want to learn. I just don’t have so much ambition.

Looking at myself now, I feel so weird. At my age where most people have thought about living stable by having partners, house, vehicles, and other things that guarantee your future, I feel like I’ve bounced backwards. Seriously. All those things have faded from my mind gradually. Those things are what the society wants you to do – being like the Joneses. In my twenties, I want to have all of these – things that have determined by our precious society. But, they are no longer mine.

What I really want to do now is to live modest and simple; to enjoy every moment; and to always live with joy and to the fullest. If, in the future I have a chance, I really want to live somewhere in the globe that does not speak my language nor English. I want to spend a year or so to live there. Therefore, I need to save to support me during that time. But really, I will take my time. I won’t be too hurry to do it. I will let time take care of me. When it times, it will come by itself. Everything has its own time.

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